The reasons at the time I gave my notice were true enough. I wanted diverse responsibilities. I wanted the flexibility to travel to see my sons and be with my husband when he's on hiatus.I wanted more direct interaction with the guests. On and on. Yet, these reasons didn't stand the test, because my Co-ED was completely willing to work with me.
So why did I choose to leave?
I couldn't answer this truly until a few things happened. First, I needed to be home, not working. Not having a job is a very uncomfortable place for me. I have been working since I'm 10 and haven't stopped since. I have always worked because even though my grandparents never denied me anything, I always lived with the sense that I had to make my own money and my own way and had to be completely independent less I be dependent on someone or, worse, wind up on the street. There was no safety net and I knew it. So even though my financial situation is such that I will never be on the street, it doesn't matter. The emotional foundation is there.
The second thing I had to face is my need to fix what is broken. This need, like my need to work nonstop, is a product of my childhood, of my helplessness in not being able to fix all the hurt that was around me growing up, including my own. I realized that because the organization I just left is so well run and the atmosphere is overall really healthy and the women in charge are so competent, there was no opportunity for me to swoop in and save the world. They had it covered.
These emotional scars are so deep-seated that even before leaving my most recent job, I reached out to a former employer. Yes, I reached out because their mission speaks to my soul. But as important I reached out because working with them would have meant there'd be no gaps in my working. And because they are so broken, there would have been plenty of opportunity for me to fix. Sadly, it didn't matter that I left that situation for all the right reasons. My childhood scars were such that it was better to feel needed and work nonstop even if it meant I'd return to a horribly toxic environment.
Lucky for me, I never heard back from them. I never heard back and, as a result, have never been more grateful to my higher power. Not hearing back not only reinforced why I left in the first place, it planted me square in the middle of being home alone with my discomfort which has brought me to the discoveries that I am sharing with you today.
I will work again. I will work again because I want to work. I will work because I enjoy using my mind and interacting with people. I will work because I have skills and abilities and experience that are an asset. I will work in a capacity where I can affect as much positive change as possible for as many people as possible. I will do this - not to heal old wounds for myself or for people who have moved on - but to soothe current ones for those in need. I will not work with toxic people in a toxic environment - even if the mission is worthy, I will cherish those people and organizations that create and foster joy and goodness.
When will I work again? I don't know and not knowing makes me uncomfortable and uneasy and brings up ghosts that I didn't know were even there.
Until I work again I will live with these ghosts and my higher power and myself and together we will walk down the path to where I am meant to be to share my skills and experience and, most importantly, my love.